What if you could?
How to challenge your self-limiting narratives.
We tell ourselves a lot of stories about why we can’t do something.
Maybe it’s something we’ve never done before. I was in a HIIT weight lifting class a few years ago, when lifting weights was still very new and unfamiliar for me. Uncomfortable. The perfectly buff instructor told us what our next move was and suggested the 10 pound weight. My immediate thought was: “there’s no way I could do that exercise with that weight.”
Then, like a ray of sunshine coming through the clouds, the next thought in my head was, “what if I could?” And even if I tried and failed, what had I lost? Is it more of a “success” to pick up a 5 pound weight that I know I can handle, and do all the reps? To stay safe and comfortable? Is it really a failure to try something harder, and do half the reps?
That day I decided success was trying something harder - something I had no frame of refernce for - even if I couldn’t make it.
Sometimes the “I can’t do that” narrative is given to us by others. Women can’t handle heavy weights. Or worse, the narrative is “I shouldn’t do that.” Women shouldn’t lift heavy weights because god forbid they grow muscles.
Sometimes these exist together. If it’s something I think I shouldn’t do, then it’s really convenient to tell myself a narrative that I couldn’t do it even if it was something I should do. Simple!
Society, our peers, our teachers, our parents, our friends, our bosses and coworkers, the judging glances of strangers - they all tell us what we shouldn’t do. Based on gender, class, appearance, race, body size, education. And we internalize that. We accept it. Somewhere along the line, we agree with it. And years later, that’s our narrative, and we don’t even know where it came from.
Sometimes we are the ones convincing ourselves we shouldn’t do something because we are afraid to do it. Here, too, we list the reasons why we can’t, anyways. Many of these fears are valid. If I hate my job and I want to quit, but I am afraid to because then I will lose my financial security and health insurance, and maybe that of my family, that’s very real. Those may be sacrifices. That doesn’t mean these things can’t be figured out, that we can’t find other ways to meet these needs. But we often don’t let ourselves get to that problem solving stage because we stop before the starting line. What are we sacrificing when we stay in the job, though? Our mental health? Our joy, passion, being excited for every day? We sometimes forget to tally these in the ‘cons’ column.
I make intentional efforts to question the narratives in my head whenever I notice one. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received is when someone told me, “just because you have a thought doesn’t mean it’s true.” Our brains want to keep us safe, secure, comfortable. When we consider doing things that challenge our safety and comfort, our brain says to itself, “okay what story can I tell her to convince her not to do that?”
And it’s very important that we (1) start to become aware of our thoughts, especially the self-limiting ones, (2) question those thoughts, “what if I could do that thing?” (3) and most importantly, give those thoughts the middle finger.
You can start small. Want to go get a cup of coffee or see a movie but don’t have anyone to go with? And your brain says, “well you can’t go alone.” Ask yourself, "but what if I did go alone?” And go anyways. It may be uncomfortable, that’s okay! Life is not meant to be lived in a comfort bubble all of the time. And most importantly, our comfort zones are not static. We can grow and mold them based on the experiences we seek and let ourselves have. But it doesn’t just happen.
I did lift those 10 pound weights for the whole exercise. And just like that, I got myself a new narrative.
So what is one thing you are curious about or want to do? What is the narrative you are telling yourself about why you can’t or shouldn’t do it? Can you do it anyways?
